THE TOE HOLD

1) CRYING ABOUT REFS:

The LA Times wrote 2 articles on game 3. A full 80% (I counted) of the paragraphs were dedicated to the officiating. King fans pick up on this like flies pick up on leftover nachos. Every King fan cried and cried like a baby. There were gifs and .animes and stupid tweets about the refs flooding the internet (the only place King fans find friends). They have cried “east coast bias” for 40 some years now. They cry louder, harder and longer than anyone.

2) FRONT RUNNING.

Take a look at the message board here or the comments on this blog. King fans VANISH into thin air when they lose … well no, they vanish from anywhere actual hockey is discussed – they retreat to their own little internet worlds to cry about the refs, the bad bounces, the lack of “laying the body” (boy do they like that term, if you know what I mean). Then just wait for it .. if they win? OH MY GOD this place is inundated I had to go buy more server space after they won round 1 and were in here spelling everything wrong.

3) FAT.

Speaks for itself. Ever seen a non meth-addicted King fan?

4) STUPID.

OK, look. Someone has to paint fences, dig holes and fix cable boxes and it sure as fuck isn’t gonna be me. So this isn’t really a dig. The problem is not the roughly 50% of low IQ King fans who work hard so they can chant “ducks suck” as they finish a bucket of KFC, it’s the other 50% who are on welfare or who sell shit out of a cubicle to old people on social security. Or the remaining 50% (just want to see if they catch it) who sell pot for a living. These guys are assholes.

5) LAZY.

Ok guess I jumped the gun and covered this already. Rule of threes.

6) MISERABLE LOSERS.

There are a few bandwagon types who still have some sort of life worth living. They haven’t been infected by the YELL AND SCREAM AND BEAT YOUR CHEST loserdom of those whose self-worth is totally determined by a group of 18-30 year old Canadian and Europeans who all make more in a month than they make in a lifetime. But it’s probably 90% who like to wear their King “snapback” to Fashion Island and scream at old ladies with diamond jewelry that would sell at pawn for more than these guys will earn in a decade.

7) TATOOED FREAKS.

Here’s a clue. If you are 50 years old and have a goatee and a bunch of tattoos which aren’t anchor shaped from the Navy you are a pussy and anyone can kick your ass. If you are under 50 and have a “sleeve” you are in the very small subset of people who can NOT kick the 50 year old guys ass.

8) WHITE TRASH.

Does this make me a racist?

9) BEER GUZZLING PIGS.

LOL I am starting to repeat myself. But look, once at a Duck/King game I set down my half a glass of beer to cheer one of the I think 8 Duck goals in the game. The Kingfan behind me in the jeanshorts tapped me on the shoulder and asked if I was done with it.

10) SECOND TO THE CUP.

They will ALWAYS be the weak little brother. They are the degenerate losers of Los Angeles. They make rioting Wing fans look like pillars of society. King fans are the worst fans ever.

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Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you your Los Angeles Kings. They lose a game killing a penalty (after winning the last one on a 5 on 3) and they go berserk! Quick chases down the referees, yelling and shouting like a 12 year old fan that doesn’t understand the rules. Dustin Penner says the refs had the “gall” to make these calls. What in the fuck is the matter with these guys. Reading the LA Times the morning after the EPIC choke job by the Kings was sort of like listening to a 5 year old who got a peanut butter sandwich when he CLEARLY wanted peanut butter and jelly. WHAT A BUNCH OF BABIES!

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Many hockey experts are thinking the Anaheim Ducks are in trouble. It appears the team Dwayne Eklund just dubbed “the best team in hockey right now” has things way too easy in Detroit. They’ll clearly win in 5 unless they play the whole Norfolk roster (an idea Bruce Boudreau is mulling over at the adamant request of the Financial guys who want more home games and longer series’). The issue is if they get rusty. 5 easy games against Detroit, a week of rest and then 4 easy games against some other Western Conference patsy (Chicago flailing in Minny). How can a team stay hot if they ever run into a worthy opponent?

Don’t be alarmed, everyone still picks them to beat Pitt in 3 to win the Cup, but it’d be nice if someone puts up a fight along the way.

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One and done for the lowly Kings!

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It is the King fan lament, or rather, it’s the King fan way of puffing out their chest if they win or they lose. It’s a mantra, sort of like if you are in mile 24 of your marathon and telling yourself “I can do this” or something. Actually, in Kingster parlance it’s like being on your second hot dog between periods in the concourse, hearing the players come out on the ice and telling yourself “if I shove the whole thing on my mouth, push my way to the front of the urinal line then ignore the “no entry during play” sign of the usher I can get back in my seat to yell “take the body” by the 19:30 mark, you can do it Chuey”.

“IT WAS A GOOD LOSS”

You know, on the road, “quicker really battled” the “boys withstood the storm” and “we gave em all they could take and it took a fluke to beat us”. It’s almost like they won, instead of the reality which is they LOST in the most brutal of fashions, with their best player TOTALLY FUCKING UP THE GAME. It looked like watching a goalie in the “true beginner” league at the local roller hockey rink. PATHETIC, DISMAL, SEASON ENDING and FANTASTIC are the words that come to mind!

MEANWHILE IN ANAHEIM, HOME OF THE REAL HOCKEY TEAM:

Teemu Selanne might be the most universally admired hockey player of all time. I think 90% of the Red Wing fans cheered for his game winner last night. BTW, I’m going to finally give some credit to dumbass Duck fans. I remember going to a Duck/RedWing playoff game way back when and it was 50% Red Wing fans and the Duck fans who were there had their jerseys tucked in and all gasped when a goalie took the bench on a delayed penalty. Last night MAYBE 10% of the place was Red Wing fans and they were pretty much shut down. If anything it was a little embarrassing to see Duck fans talking shit all night long – in beer lines, in bathroom lines, to and from the game it would be a group of 6 Duck fans yelling at two guys in Holmstrom jerseys. One guy in a Franzen jersey had a Duck fan screaming at him that YOUR WIFE IS THE MULE! Sick, yet somehow rewarding.

LETS GO DUCKS … dotcom.

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Detroit is the armpit of the USA, a cesspool of human filth. They can’t make a car, but they can sure run a pawn shop. It’s like Sarnia and Windsor grew a huge mole that turned cancerous and moved across the river.

And to make matters worse, the entire team is Swedish. You may as well put on some skinny jeans and get it over with Detroit.

Maybe you should make Volvos?

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The PACIFIC DIVISION has been in existence since 1993. Before that it was essentially the Smythe Division. The Los Angeles Kings, aka “Shotcount Heros” have been in the Pacific Division all that time. Phoenix has won the Pacific. Anaheim. Colorado, Calgary, San Jose … heck EVERYONE WHO HAS EVER BEEN IN THE PACIFIC won it at least once.

EXCEPT THE SHOTCOUNT HEROS

YOU WILL NEVER EVER GET ONE OF THESE

Is there a reason I bring this up now?

YES!

Because the league is being restructured next season and there will be no Pacific Division of the NHL again EVER!

Meaning that unless the Shotcount Heros of Los Angeles get all 6 of their remaining available points and the Duck get zero of their remaining points the LOS ANGELES KINGS WILL NEVER EVER IN THE HISTORY OF THE UNIVERSE WIN A PACIFIC DIVISION TITLE. Second place or worse EVERY YEAR for twenty years.

GO BOO SOME MORE INJURED PLAYERS YOU FAT,UGLY, NACHO-EATING HACKS!!!!

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